Chapstick

I'm standing on the stairs. Others are with me. We are waiting to leave. This staircase is familiar to me. I'm in the house of my childhood family friends in Vallejo, CA. The staircase is immediately on your right as you come in the front door. As it travels upwards it curves to the left to get to the three bedrooms on the second level. I'm standing in the middle of the stairs, on a platform. The others that I am with I don't recognize, except I see a recent and familiar face come in through the front door with her down comforter.

Man that looks comfortable, I think to myself. Then I think, what did I bring? I pull a tube of chapstick out of my right front pocket and put it on my lips. Refreshing. I place it back in my pocket as I see someone who looks of authority walk by. I ask how many items we can bring with us. He say's 7. Then I remember why I'm standing in line. I'm waiting with the other 13 contestants to be taken on the bus to the Big Brother house. 7 items? That's all I can bring? What the hell did I pack? I didn't pack my comforter. I didn't pack my pillows. I don't think I packed my phone. Could I even bring my phone? What the hell did I pack!? Then I remember my chapstick. The one solid thing I actually had on me that I could think of. I'll pack that, but something stops me. An urge that tells me no. You can't pack anything else. You've already packed 7 items. That's why you're in line. You're done.

But I really NEED this chapstick. They won't have chapstick in the big brother house. What do I do? Where can I stash it? They'll see it in my pockets. I'm not wearing a bag or purse or anything. So what do I think of? My ass crack. I'm going to stash my chapstick in my ass crack.

And I do it.

I go inside my pants, along my ass, and I find a place to stick the chapstick. Near the bottom of the ass curve, a little close to where it could be subjective as to where other body parts start, and I slip it in, parallel to the ass crack. Ass crack. What!? What the hell was I thinking? Why my ass crack? I quickly go to take out the chapstick thinking to myself this is ridiculous. Why the hell would I try to hide chapstick in my ass crack? Then after hiding it, would I use it? If I was desperate enough... But I go to take it out and it's gone. The chapstick is gone. For what feels like a whole minute I contemplate the thought of the chapstick accidentally being sucked inside of my body. Is that even possible? What if it was? Then I would have chapstick in my ass hole! NO! I freak out for 5 seconds, take 3 steps, and there it falls out of the leg of my pant. Not sure which side, but there it lays on the ground. The chapstick that I stuck in my ass crack in order to hide from the people who already knew I had 7 items packed.

Wow.

I pick it up and the cap is completely deformed, totally flattened and wrapped around the body of the chapstick tube. How could it have gotten this way? Ass cheeks of steel? That doesn't even make sense, I think to myself. I contemplate using it as I walk down the rest of the stairs in order to get to the living room. I put the chapstick in my pocket, not sure why. IT'S BEEN INSIDE MY ASS CRACK. As I sit on the couch laughing at myself for doing what I just did, I then think of the fact that I'm going to be totally secluded for the whole month of July. Oh man, I'm going to miss Summer Arts, I hope they know this. They don't know this. I'll be back in time. I should be back in time. But it starts at the end of June and runs to the end of July. I'll be here all through July. There is no way I could go to Summer Arts as well. Maybe they'll let me go for a week and then come back? Why would they do that? All of these thoughts were going through my brain when I then got the insatiable urge to pee. I have to pee incredibly bad. It's starting to hurt. Cramping. I get up to use the bathroom and I wake up.

This was my dream last night. Sticking chapstick in my ass crack. Waiting in line to leave for Big Brother. Thinking about missing Summer Arts.

The dreams of a college graduate.

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