I like to write. I think. I like to write in a style that is not scripted. It is the style of thoughts bouncing around in my brain. Freestyle. Free form. Free whatever. I just like to get what I'm thinking about out and in a concise, readable form. Something is pulling me towards stand up and I'm terrified.
I think I'm bipolar, in a sense. Last May I was struggling with some depression that every living person struggles with, and it faded away and I was able to go back to my normal ways, but it's come back. This depression; this stinky, clammy, uncomfortable depression. It feels like a gas bubble that won't go away. No matter how hard you push, how much you massage your belly, how many cans of sprite you drink, it is still so incredibly unsettled.
I want to travel. I want to travel so bad. I want to see places and meet people and learn about them and talk to them and become them. I met a man the other night who took a road trip from Los Angeles to Belize. BELIZE. He drove from LA to Belize. He swam in an inverted volcano with a hammerhead shark; well, to be clear, he was in the ocean in the vicinity of a hammerhead shark that was swimming. I have no idea what spurs this incessant need to be a gypsy, but I want it. And I want to swim in an inverted volcano. And see pyramids in Egypt. And walk on the Great Wall of China. And take a safari in Africa. And go to rainforests. I want to see the world.
When I heard about the story of Batkid, how the Make a Wish foundation, along with the help from many others, made this little boys dream of being Batman come true, I about fell off my chair. I want to do that. I want to help those who can't help themselves. I want to make the impossible happen. I want to inspire and create and motivate change. I want to let people know they can achieve anything, they can be anything, because that's what I was gifted with when growing up, and that's one hell of a thought to put into ones head; you can be anything you want. You can be ANYTHING you want! How powerful! How resonant!
I have a purpose. I don't know what that purpose is yet. I may never know what that purpose is. But I'd like to find it. I have a love/hate relationship with Los Angeles. I love who I've met and who's become my closest friends and what it has taught me (and the seemingly perfect weather). I hate the facade it creates, the smog that acts as a mask, shielding you from the ultimately grimy and dirty streets of Hollywood blvd and the people you meet who are so sheltered you hurt for them.
I am so grateful for everything that my life has come to at this point. I am 24 years old. I am a college graduate and an actor. I live independently (about 10 months out of the year). I am an improviser and a server. I am a wine enthusiast. I live off of my impulses that may or may not get me in trouble. I am a friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter. I am lonely at times, but I know better than to use people. I love to laugh and don't do it nearly as often as I want to. I love to watch movies I've never seen. I'm a hopeless romantic and a victim of bitch face. I've never had a speeding ticket. I'll always have a crush on Justin Timberlake.
These are my rambling thoughts on the night before Thanksgiving.
Good night.
Xoxo
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