Libra

How do you balance doing what you love with doing what must be done? I am getting more than burnt out and not in a good way. My passion is still there but it feels as if someTHING is holding back my shoulders, laughing, and watching me squirm. My drive is going straight into making enough money to pay bills. I hate it. With a fiery passion. I'm trying with all my might to be optimistic and positive and keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason but its hard to find that comforting when it's as if you're constantly being shit on in a restaurant that doesn't seem to care, and you find not one but TWO parking tickets on your car, you need an oil change desperately, and you have to pay registration at the end of the month, along with every other bill, and your cabinet and fridge are both empty along with your gas tank, on top of not doing what you love and simply being glanced over like you're just another sily girl in LA with a dream. 

Money should never make someone happy, but it sure as hell relieves a fuck ton of stress. 

I'm struggling a lot right now with what my goals are. I originally moved to LA to pursue acting in film and television professionally. My goal last January was to be able to live comfortably doing what I love, inspiring people and making them think, feel, and breath. It's not as if that goal has changed, I just need to find a different tactic. Is it me? Is it LA? Is it the fact that I may have commitment issues?  

One trap I seem to have fallen into is measuring my success by the success of people around me. I am so profoundly proud of everything my friends have accomplished, how hard they work and are so open to everything, it seems. So I guess my question is very selfish; why not me? What sign am I missing? Who did I piss off? Where do I need to go to make MY dreams come true? I feel so stupid and silly and DUMB for asking such vain questions, but it's TRUE and it's how I FEEL. When will my time come?

There are things I know burn inside of me and I simply can't suppress or quell them: I need to travel and I need to share my love for my craft. I struggle with staying or leaving LA. It's been a year and a half, and I'm only somewhat satisfied. But what do I do? Go back to school? Move to a different city? Sell everything I own and travel the world?

The latter one does sound riveting. 

I need something and I don't know what. I know I'm not happy; im content. I dont want to be stuck in content and compromise my happiness for my bills. That's not fair, to me or the bills. I don't want to leave LA because I feel like my time here isn't finished BUT I am only 23 and there is so much more to explore! 

Part of me feels like if I leave LA, I've quit. I'm giving up and giving in to what every single person in the industry warns you about. I am so unbelievably stubborn that way. But I'm not quitting, right? I'm simply trying a different approach, right? There is so much art in this world that I'm afraid I'm missing out! And for what? Struggling at a job I loathe only to barely pay my bills so that I can 'live the starving artist dream?' I'm all about the starving artist, but only if it means I don't have to serve one more incoherent, snot nosed 19 year old some fucking wings for him to give me a whole dollar in tips (WHOA dream big). I'm not bitter...

I feel as if I'm constantly trying to find the next best thing and I'm never comfortable with what I have. See, Commitment issues. But why should I settle? Especially when I'm not happy! What is better? Having goals and constantly progressing and changing OR living in comfortability with a routine that never changes?

I have a lot on my mind all the time; mostly about what I'm doing and importantly NOT doing with my life. Do I need a therapist? Scratch that, that's too much money. I need a drink and about a grand.

I guess I'm starting to have my quarter life crisis... Holy hell.