It's all about the GREEN (CAUTION plenty of vulgar words used...)

Why is it that rejection causes motivation and perseverance? Is it out of natural human need to be acknowledged? Or is it my own stupidity as a person to simply not know when to stop... Simply said, I was not cast in Chamber Music. I guess I shouldn't have had my head in my ass all summer.

Anyway. I'm upset, disappointed, enraged, sad, let down, curious, excited, disgruntled, and many other adjectives that I can't think of right now. All the right emotions a person should have after having a great audition, a fantastic set of callbacks and not getting the job. No big deal. It's the business right? Right. This is what I don't understand about myself, and many others like me. Why am I continuing to do this to myself? Do I really love acting to an extent that I let my heart get broken everytime I become connected and attached to something and then get shut down... I guess it's like being rejected and shunned by a lover who doesn't want to show their love for you. I just don't understand...

But anyone outside of the simple fact of the love of being onstage just doesn't understand. It's like a fucking drug. Once you get it, you want more and more and more. You become greedy with it. Not the attention, or the lights on you, or the costumes, because quite frankly that becomes EXTREMELY obnoxious. But the ability to be completely free onstage. To be this other person for 3 hours out of the day. To forget your own life, problems, worries and take on someone else for the time being. Sure they posses the same things you do, but it's someone else. It's different problems. For me, it's the ability to get inside peoples heads. To understand what makes them tick, makes them go crazy, gives them pleasure and pain, what their favorite color or animal is. People are the most fascinating, and strange, animals who ever existed (except maybe the fish 5 miles under sea level... Those things are fuckin' weird...).

Anyway. I don't want this to be a rant because quite frankly, I'm not 10 and in middle school. First week of school was so cool and scary at the same time. Like I said before, my audition, I thought, went very well. My first class of Monday, Psychology of Personality, I fell asleep in already. WHOOPS! Probably shouldn't have gone to bed at 2 in the a.m... Auditions class was cool. Got typed a little and given the usual "are you ready to be let down for the rest of your life" speech. Love it. Argumentation and Debate class is going to kick my ass for the first 7 weeks. Holy shit balls but I am soooo ready. It's going to be great. Tuesday classes are going to be great. I start off with History of Mind, the capstone class for my theme (Minds, Brains and Machines) and it basically integrates Psychology and Philosophy and their views on the mind and its processes dating all the way back to Plato. BITCHIN'! Next is Mind, Brain and Behavior. Whoa. My teacher is hilarious but knows his shit. Stoked for this theme right now. It's kind of a God send I didn't get cast in such a type of commitment because of all these classes haha

I guess I should start my HW...

<3