I don't want an answer. I want someone to listen. I don't complain much and when I do I stop myself because I ALWAYS think "there are people who have it so much worse than you do." I am a firm believer that if something isn't working, change it. If there is something you want, go for it. Let someone else tell you no, because for all they know, you're fucking perfect. But this is different...
There is something sitting on my chest, and I need to let it go...
I keep telling myself "it will get better... It will get better..." I am the one in my group of friends to guide, reassure and promote. I LOVE telling people they are amazing and watching their reaction to it. Making others feel good is what I live for, but lately it's been really hard to not say "oh you think YOU have it bad?" And for some reason, these growing aches in my chest seem to stem from the same exact thing... those stupid little green papers we pass back and forth in order to receive things that we need in order to survive...
I have so much to be grateful for. I have amazing friends who love and support me, and I the same. I have running water, a roof over my head, a comfortable bed to sleep in with sheets, clothes to wear everyday that could be different if I wanted, accessible books to read, a beautiful TV to watch movies on, movies to watch, a laptop to surf the web, shoes to wear, a job that I love, rehearsal for a show that is kicking my ass and forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone, a car that gets me from A to B, and most of all fantastic parents who have supported me from day 1 in my lifelong struggle with this thing I want to do called 'acting.' I have NOTHING to complain about. Absolutely nothing. So why do I feel sorry for myself? Why can I not shake this feeling? It's just money after-all...
I don't cry. In front of others anyway. If I'm watching a movie or play, that's different. For some reason, hearing and seeing myself cry is a sign of weakness. Of failure. Feeling pity for myself. That's why I don't cry in front of others, because I don't want their pity. But this time, I just need someone to sit and listen. Someone to tell ME it's going to be okay. Everything will work out, because it has to. You will be fine. There is a struggle because you have to break free. The beautiful thing about life is it goes on...
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It's strange for me to put my heart on the web. I have read other blogs with a raised eyebrow similar to this one because I think they just want attention, they just want PITY. But now I understand. Expression is an interesting thing that we have done since the dawn of time and mostly through some form of art, i.e music, theatre, writing and so on.We express because there is something inside of us that is growing and if we don't release it we will combust. Everyone wants something in their life and it's up to you if you want to go and get it.
I have removed the elephant from my chest. Thank you for sitting and listening.
Read this with an open mind and an open heart. Understand and realize that you are not alone. Everyone on the face of this planet is connected because we all came from the same thing, whether you believe in Adam and Eve, Adam and Steve, the big bang, organisms or spirits. We are all connected and we are all amazing.
I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to rant anymore. It hurts my brain and my eyes.
<3
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