It's amazing what happens when you open your mouth to speak, and even more amazing what happens when you open your mouth to speak words from your heart. Speaking from your heart is necessary. It doesn't have to be vocal and you don't have to make sense. You could speak the words from your heart through creative mediums like music, dance, painting, drawing, writing, etc. Being afraid to speak is what has unfortunately happened to society today. We are silenced. Told what we have to say isn't good enough, funny enough, smart enough, creative enough. There's the catch. We are told we aren't enough.
You know what I have to say to that? BOOSHIT BOOSHIT BOOSHIT.
Try to silence me. I dare you.
A miracle happened to me tonight. A small one, but one that was monumental enough the take a big chunk out of a wall I have been battling with for a life time. I spoke my feelings to a dear friend of mine.
I'm not one to start fights. I hate confrontation. I'm scared that if I say what I feel, it will hurt those that I care about and they will leave. They will leave me and I will be alone. I'm scared to be alone. Who the hell isn't? I am not scared to tell people to fuck off, especially if I'm in the club and just want to dance with my ladies. I am openly honest about pretty much everything. I don't have many secrets. My problem then? I don't want to hurt the ones I love and the ones that love me. Simple as that. I'll tell you to wear different shoes because they don't flatter your figure and I'll tell you that the dinner you made was mediocre if not terrible, but when I see something that people are genuinely, truly and deeply passionate for, who am I to say no to them? Who am I to tell them they aren't enough? Because they are. Truly.
Got off track in a bit of a ramble. That happens in my brain a lot.
Back to the miracle. We were having dinner, met up with a mutual friend, talked, and something that was said hurt me. It shouldn't have and it's stupid that it did. Selfish selfish selfish me. I completely, totally and openly admit that. While walking home, I was silent, in my head and gave one/two word answers which was the obvious sign. She asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, don't want to start anything I thought. Just get over it. She asked me again. I just shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes. Don't say it, Julia, I thought. Don't start a fight. It's so stupid. Not worth it. Then it clicked. Speak your truth. SPEAK. YOUR. TRUTH. Easier said, or thought, than done. But I took the plunge. I jumped off the cliff. I told her that a comment that was made hurt me and explained to her why. She then explained to me why she said it and why she felt that way. We talked. We said sorry. We became closer.
You're reading this thinking "Really? Why didn't you just tell her? It's not THAT bad to say how you feel, I do it all the time." Well, maybe it's easy for you then. Great. I ENVY you. I am jealous of you. Really, I am, because if you are able to be so open and free about what is in your heart with no fear than you have truly acquired the American dream, if that even means anything these days. Maybe I get it from my momma, who knows, but a little victory was won in my heart today. And I am grateful to her for that. She's still my best friend. We still love and care for each other. She accepted my truth, and I hers.
Miracles on the Esplanade.
<3
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