O for a muse...

I've gotten a little off track...

For some reason, my mind seems to think I am on a time schedule here in LA. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's the hustle and bustle or the cities fault. Regardless, I am realizing that I am more focused on what I will have accomplished in a year than what I am actually accomplishing at this exact moment. And I've done quite a bit.

Since moving here January 21st, I have worked background on 5 shows and a movie, had semi-professional headshots taken, had roughly 50 auditions, been in a student web series (that will continue filming in August), been in a filmed 10 minute play, worked as an intern and taken improv classes at iO West, have had two jobs, have had my car towed, about 7 parking tickets, learned the bus and metro system relatively well and attempted to pay all my bills on time while living paycheck to paycheck.

Holy. Shit.

Writing it down, that's a lot of stuff. A LOT OF STUFF. I've only been in LA for 5 months, and yet I still can't shake this feeling of not doing enough. I feel this incessant pressure to get an agent and/or manager in order for them to book jobs for me. Buuuuut I'm already booking jobs for myself. And meeting a butt load of people while I'm at it... Hrmmm...

Ive always felt pretty confident in knowing myself, my values, likes, dislikes and morals. Recently, though, I've been discovering just how contradictory my nature is. Half of me wants to go out and plaster my face on every agency's window/door, advertise myself, sell the goods I know I'm capable of, and get myself an agent so that I can be seen for who I am and what I can do. The other half of me, the spiritual half apparently, keeps telling myself that when it's the right time for me to have an agent, one will come along. I'll just know. If its meant to be, it will be.

Maybe that's just being lazy, too.

I've talked with people who have and don't have agents. Some have gotten agents within a couple months of living in LA. Others have waited years. I guess my main confusion is, how will I ever know? When will I ever know? Is having an agent sooner a greater sign of success? Is that my feeling of angst, that because I don't have an agent I'm falling behind schedule and therefore am less successful/talented/represented?

And can't even get started on union/non-union bullshit.

Then there's classes. Classes classes classes. As an actor, we are athletes of the heart. As an athlete, you must constantly be training yourself. Testing yourself. Motivating and competing with yourself. How does one PAY for all of these classes? If its not improv, it's with a casing director, or it's viewpoints, or it's Playhouse West, or it's auditioning technique. Blah blah BLAH. I get that we need to constantly hone our skills and keep limber but I'm just making enough to keep some scraps of food in my fridge. How the hell am I supposed to afford CLASSES!? My internship has helped immensely with this; I am lucky enough to trade work for improv class and I am eternally grateful. Improv is a great acting class an full of all around life lessons. But this parrot on my shoulder keeps telling me it's not enough.

Maybe I'm greedy...

But shouldn't I be? There is nothing else in this world I want or NEED to be doing. It frustrates the shit out of me to see horrible actors get paid by the bucket loads because their 'hot right now.' did they ever go through the angst I'm struggling with now? Highly doubt it. And if they did, I'm sure they bought some Prada hankies and blew their nose in them. Pft.

But this is not about or for 'them.' It's for and about me. My struggles and hardships. My loneliness and spontaneous depression. My discoveries and bursts of happiness. My naive curiosity and all around adoration for the human condition.

I'm confusing myself.

Being 22 in LA is hard.

And incredibly worth it.

The tears, the car horns, the gunshots that I justify as backfire at 1 am, the stick skinny and the butt ass ugly, the random acts of kindness, the new and old friends and the lessons. This is the school of life, of hard knocks. It will constantly knock you down and hurt you, but courage is what makes you stand up time after time.

I'm regaining my courage.

And taking my time.

Hopefully.

<3